She gasped and her clasped her hand to her mouth: “You did WHAT?!” I’d just opened up to a mentor of mine about the messy situation I was in and suddenly wanted to crawl out of the window and ride in the trunk until we reached Chick-fil-a. I started sweating the moment I saw the shock on her face – that was precisely the response I was so horrified to receive. I’d just invited her into a secret part of my life because I trusted her and craved her wisdom, and I felt totally judged.
She quickly apologized and admitted that’s the worst response she could give to a high schooler who’s just made such a vulnerable admission. I appreciated her apology, but it was a little too late. Her feelings of shock and repulsion were revealed in her response to me and there was no recovering. The wall went up. Of course she could reflect on her response and try to make it more palatable for me, but what was in her came out in her initial moment of disbelief. I decided she was not a safe person to be honest with when my life wasn’t sunshine and roses. I resolved to keep our conversation on the surface from then on, if I was going to converse with her at all.
High school students are thrown into grown up games and find themselves in situations that might be shocking and difficult to handle. How do we create a safe place for them to share things they desperately need to talk about? How do we avoid gasping and screaming out of utter disbelief? Here are a few things to consider when working toward creating a safe space for your students:
- Be honest with yourself! My mentor’s response revealed a degree of self-righteousness. The Bible says our hearts are all desperately wicked until Jesus comes along and cleans us up on the inside. When we’re honest with ourselves about our own secrete desires and selfish motivations, we won’t be surprised by the sins of others.
- Be honest with your students! How can we expect our students to be vulnerable with us if we never share our struggles with them? They’ll be intimidated by our perceived perfection and assume we’ll never understand their situations. We don’t have to vomit all our deepest, darkest secrets on them prematurely, but we can share insecurities and ways we’ve missed the mark. Our transparency assure them we’re in the same boat as them: sinners in need of a Savior.
- Ask honest questions. Once you’ve paved the way to vulnerable sharing by being real with your own shortcomings, invite them to join you. Students rarely initiate conversations about sensitive issues or deep areas of angst. They need to know you don’t expect them to be perfect and that you’re interested to take things deeper. Find casual moments to ask pointed questions, such as car rides or while you’re watching games. I guarantee you, they’ll feel special when they realize you want to really know them and not simply the image they portray.
You’ve earned the right to go deeper with your students by the time they’re in high school. Students are hard pressed to find safe places to share their junk. Provide that space for them by initiating the move because they’re dying to be known!
This is good information. I have practice this methodology for years and have seen break throughs with the toughest kids. I encourage you guys to use this strategy with kids. Kids want a relationship with those that will be real, right and relevant to them and with them. Great work Julie!
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